Finding Purpose Through Hardships

Matt and Jon both left a mark on me that changed my outlook of Christianity. They both were very dedicated to serving and working and both had self discipline that I admired. Above all, they taught me that humility needs to be genuine for you to glorify God. The house is a little different now that they are gone, but I wish them the best of luck on their new adventures. Matt got married to his wife, Belinda, in mid June. Shortly after Jon left to go back home and do fundraising for his missions trip to Peru, where he'll be for a year at a time.

I am encouraged that Mike, Luke and myself have dedicated ourselves to serving each other in their own personal convictions and paths. Luke's fiancé has moved to Detroit and both of them will be injecting themselves into campus ministry. Mike is on a quest for racial reconciliation and has been doing lots of work with CDC. Two weeks ago I told my roommates that I felt like I needed to be speaking my spiritual purpose. They have greatly encouraged me as I seek God. \

Last Wednesday my girlfriend Samantha got back from her trip to Mexico. I was eager to tell her all that God was showing to me, but she called and said she felt God was separating us. To be honest, this wasn't the first time she's told me this. But over the months were God has been missing from our relationship, that voice in her heart had grown louder and louder. I was devastated when she said that our relationship wasn't working out.

I went through a pretty intense grieving process. I was at work when she called so I didn't have time to say much before I had to go. I was emotionally upset because I was hoping that when she got back from her trip, that she would be on a spiritual high and we could work out the missing parts of our relationship. Anyways I was confused because I felt God was drawing me closer to her. The next night I talked to her for about an hour about my feelings. I just asked her to listen. I told her how much I was hurting, and how I was confused, and how I felt that we were meant together. She listened but her heart was still telling her the same thing it has been for weeks now. I didn't eat for 3 days, and slept for only 12 hrs in those 3 days. I vigorously prayed because she means so much to me. It hurt so much because she had brought me so much happiness. I was very emotional and even called off work on Friday. I wanted to talk more about it on Saturday because I needed some closure I guess. I send many text messages but I didn't get many responses. Finally Sunday came, and I prayed very earnestly as I had been doing for the last 5 days. I went to church and a few people their prayed for me, but I always asked for them to pray for Samantha too.

I got home and began writing a list of things I wanted to talk about if we talked today. My eyes were opened to the pain that I've brought Sam. She's probably been crying out to God, having to deal with loneliness. She kept telling me that God was asking her if we were headed down the same path, and I kept dragging my feet. I was waiting for God to magically give me an answer. I wasn't walking though. God was speaking to me through her, but I couldn't make that distinction. Through this he was telling me to get my act together, to start walking and follow him wholeheartedly. This was the wake call to stop waiting. She deserved me to be a better spiritual leader and I let my pride sometimes get in the way. Anyways I felt that most if not all the blame came down on me all at once. It was overwhelming.

I turned on a song that was playing at church called Mighty to Save. I started singing it and I felt something. My eyes were tearing up but not because of the separation from Sam, but because of the separation from God. I was at my lowest moment, completely broken. And during that song I walked around the house with my hands in the air, ultimately surrendering myself to God. Then I as knelt down still singing, I felt Jesus surrounding me with his grace. In that one moment, I felt something I had never felt before in my life. I felt Jesus restoring me, and all at once I felt completely forgiven, completely righteous and completely loved, as if he was saying "No matter what I couldn't love you more than I already do".

If I can be comforted by anything is that God's timing is not coincidence. I have never felt the spirit of God so strongly in my life before, leading me. It took me being completely broken, exhausted of resources and energy, praying and fasting, for me to deny myself and surrender to him. I don't know what the future holds. I feel like God is leading me in a direction that can not only coexist with Sam, but that we would be united with a common purpose and path. Sam tells me she needs time, and maybe she'll see a change of what God is telling her, but right now I'm giving her space even though its so difficult when I want to show her that I've failed, but I want to recommit myself to loving her with a love that can only be from the eternal well of God. Regardless, I'll take comfort in knowing that God has my future in his hands, that it has a happy ending. As we speak today, my mom is helping me look into colleges from the future, and I'm ready to go where God leads me. I love ministries and outreach's specifically to community. I'm injecting myself into a ton of ministries while I'm here in Detroit. If you do think about praying for me, please considering praying for Sam as well. I can only imagine her heart is as broken as mine, and if I can't show her my love, then I pray that God will intercede and I know he will no matter what.